What an American Classic wears to look for goat testicles…

American Classic – Day 27

Holly_Blackandpearls

When I say I knew absolutely nothing about goats when I got them, I wasn’t kidding.  I could point a goat out in comparison to, let’s say a cow, and that’s about it.  So when I bought two goats from a woman on Craigs list and she began explaining to me how she had “banded” them, I was barely listening.  I was in the midst of trying to figure out how to get these things with horns in the car with my children.

But having goats for more than a month now, I have, much to my horror, learned exactly what “banding” is.  For those of you who don’t know what banding is and like to store strange bits of information on the off chance you can use it as “picnic banter” – let me explain.

Odie

Banding basically means neutering – ensuring the animal can’t reproduce.  Banding a goat is a relatively simple technique, but it does require that you pretend a little.  You must pretend there’s no such thing as “modern medicine” or a “veterinarian’s office” and that you’re trapped on a dessert island with only your goat and a rubber band.  Now just wrap the rubber band around your goat’s balls and whallah!  Job well done.  Just sit under a coconut tree and watch as your goat’s testicles slowly shrivel and rot away.

What does this look like?  Well, I couldn’t bring myself to take an actual picture of the process, but my kids did draw a few pictures that I’d like to share –

The first is my daughter’s version.  Emerson is still in a princess phase, so she decided to make the goat “Rapunzel” and for some reason one of the goats has five testicles

Goats_Rapunzel

My nine year old son, Buck, decided to draw the goats on the trampoline having a romp with their testicles

Goats_Trampoline

And then, finally, my three year old son, August, drew a goat with tiny, multiple testicles resting on the goat’s chin

Green_Face

Now here comes the gross part (and no, we’re not there yet) – my kids and I were playing with the goats the other day when August gasped and said, “They’re gone!”  And sure enough, I looked and one of the goats was missing their awful tangled-rubber-band-testicle-nightmare.

And it fell off somewhere in our yard.  I can’t rest until I find it.  I mean, what if someone steps on it?  What if it gets caught up in the lawnmower?  What if a toddler comes over and thinks a pair of dried up testicles makes a good teething toy?

My children refuse to look for it with me no matter how much money I offer them.  I can’t really blame them.  After all, it is the world’s worst treasure hunt.

So to answer my original question, what does an American Classic wear when searching for goat testicles?

The answer?  Anything you want.  As long as you have gloves on

20 Comments

  • Sunny says:

    You are hilarious! I’m really enjoying your blog ;)

  • Hassanah says:

    Oh and thanks for the chuckle!!!

    I needed it because at 11 pm, Elliott (6) cries out, “Dad, I threw up.” And, of course, Elliott is IN our bed. So we walk in to find throw up on our freshly made bed, comforter (the dry clean only kind), and the floor. It was so gross. My husband pulls back the comforter only to have the throw up land on my shirt, pants and BARE FOOT! I am not an American Classic, but I said some Classic curse words!

    This was followed up by some moans coming from our other child in his room at 12:30’ish. He made it to the toilet and just slept on the bathroom floor the rest of the night.

    Needless to say, not much sleep was had! I am glad your searching for goat testicles was on par with my throw up story. :)

  • Hassanah says:

    <—- Wonders if this is better or worse than the deer carcass the dog drug up during the class' Easter egg hunt?!?! Roflmao

  • Dorothy says:

    I just found your blog a few days ago and have been catching up on your posts. I love the concept and am so impressed with what you’ve been able to do with your style (or styles!). You are also incredibly funny and are a great writer! I laughed so hard at this story! Good luck finding the balls before it becomes an incident!!

  • Marie says:

    HAHAHAHAHA. I will NOT be strolling in your yard anytime soon….well, maybe in the Fall….when I know they’ve become part of the earth….. :)

    • My Year of Fabulous says:

      Hi Marie! It’s a good idea to wait until fall to go in our yard, but I’m sure there will be something equally disgusting in it by then,,,

  • I love your blog and went through all the archives! I’d love to add your blog to my reader, but I can’t find your RSS feed. Any chances you’d set up one? Thanks.

  • Tina says:

    Awesomely gross. As the young boys would say: e p i c!

  • janicemercieri says:

    Knowing goats, they probably ate them rubber band and all.

  • Oh my gosh, this cracked me up! Thanks for the chuckle :-)

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