Day 12 – A Month of Maxi Dresses…
Yesterday, all went well in my “fancy” maxi dress.
I did fancy things in it like take my son to his speech therapy class, pick up my kids at a play date, do a load of laundry at the laundromat because our water heater just exploded and best of all, get free Slurpees at 7-11 because it was July 11th (7-11!) and apparently 7-11 gives away free Slurpees every July 11th. I NEVER let my kids have a slurpee, so you can imagine their shock when I suggested we swing by 7-11. Slurpees are so disgusting and so delicious and we will be back to 7-11 in exactly one year to get some more. And I will definitely be wearing a maxi dress because drinking a Slurpee in a black maxi dress with pearls, well, it just doesn’t get better than that.
Also, our pig Hogan had a check up and I didn’t think his vet treated me any differently in my fancy maxi than he does on any other occasion – which is to say he treats me like I’m a complete moron. Here’s a little tid-bit of a conversation we had –
Vet: Do you know that dairy farm on your way out of town?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know that was a dairy farm.
Vet: (condescending) You didn’t? You see cows there, don’t you?
Me: Yes, but I thought they could be beef cows.
Vet: (even more condescending) They’re Holsteins. When was the last time you saw a Holstein beef cow?
Me: Well, I didn’t know they were Holsteins.
Vet: Really? And you live in the country?
The conversation went downhill from there. After a while I went inside the house and grabbed my copy of “Cows of the World and how to Identify them” and shoved it page by page down the vet’s throat. Or at least I fantasized about doing that. In reality, I stood there and did nothing. I don’t own a book like that because I prefer to read things that are ACTUALLY INTERESTING!
Our pig Hogan had two foxtails caught in his eye — a type of grass in Sonoma County that is just terrible for animals in the summer time. When I asked the vet if there was anything I could do to prevent this happening to Hogan in the future, he suggested I get a really large outdoor vacuum and vacuum our property.
I’ve lived in the country for six years now and I have never seen anyone vacuuming their grass. And what’s an outdoor vacuum anyway? I think he just wanted me to go to Lowe’s and ask for one so I could be laughed at by the sales people.
“Excuse me, I need to buy one of them outdoor vacuums for my yard. I’ll also need a really long extension cord and enough vacuum bags for six acres.”
Women in fancy maxi dresses might go to the Laundromat. We might even gulp down free Slurpees, but we do not, under any circumstances, vacuum around and under trees…
That is so stupid.