How to vacuum in a maxi dress…

Day 12 – A Month of Maxi Dresses…

Yesterday, all went well in my “fancy” maxi dress.

July_Dress_Black_Gold_Hip

I did fancy things in it like take my son to his speech therapy class, pick up my kids at a play date, do a load of laundry at the laundromat because our water heater just exploded and best of all, get free Slurpees at 7-11 because it was July 11th (7-11!) and apparently 7-11 gives away free Slurpees every July 11th.  I NEVER let my kids have a slurpee, so you can imagine their shock when I  suggested we swing by 7-11.  Slurpees are so disgusting and so delicious and we will be back to 7-11 in exactly one year to get some more.  And I will definitely be wearing a maxi dress because drinking a Slurpee in a black maxi dress with pearls, well, it just doesn’t get better than that.

July_Dress_Hogan_Pig

Also, our pig Hogan had a check up and I didn’t think his vet treated me any differently in my fancy maxi than he does on any other occasion – which is to say he treats me like I’m a complete moron.  Here’s a little tid-bit of a conversation we had –

Vet:  Do you know that dairy farm on your way out of town?

Me:  Yes, but I didn’t know that was a dairy farm.

Vet:  (condescending) You didn’t?  You see cows there, don’t you?

Me:  Yes, but I thought they could be beef cows.

Vet:  (even more condescending) They’re Holsteins.  When was the last time you saw a Holstein beef cow?

Me:  Well, I didn’t know they were Holsteins.

Vet:  Really?  And you live in the country?

The conversation went downhill from there.  After a while I went inside the house and grabbed my copy of “Cows of the World and how to Identify them” and shoved it page by page down the vet’s throat.  Or at least I fantasized about doing that.  In reality, I stood there and did nothing.  I don’t own a book like that because I prefer to read things that are ACTUALLY INTERESTING!

Our pig Hogan had two foxtails caught in his eye — a type of grass in Sonoma County that is just terrible for animals in the summer time.  When I asked the vet if there was anything I could do to prevent this happening to Hogan in the future, he suggested I get a really large outdoor vacuum and vacuum our property.

I’ve lived in the country for six years now and I have never seen anyone vacuuming their grass.  And what’s an outdoor vacuum anyway?  I think he just wanted me to go to Lowe’s and ask for one so I could be laughed at by the sales people.

“Excuse me, I need to buy one of them outdoor vacuums for my yard.  I’ll also need a really long extension cord and enough vacuum bags for six acres.”

Women in fancy maxi dresses might go to the Laundromat.  We might even gulp down free Slurpees, but we do not, under any circumstances, vacuum around and under trees…

July_Dress_Oaks

That is so stupid.

6 Comments

  • Ellen says:

    Apparently your vet would love my husband. We have an outdoor vacuum. Yes, we actually do. My husband got it from his dad and I still think it is utterly ridiculous. He calls it a “leaf vacuum” – as if that makes it better. Mind you, we live in the ‘burbs. It’s about the size of a lawn mower (the push kind, not some large riding mower). He uses it to vacuum up pine needles in our front yard – that is about 10’x20′. But yes, he NEEDS a vacuum to do this because raking them is simply too HARD. He uses it every week. But that indoor vacuum – the one used to clean carpets – I don’t think he even knows where the power switch is. How do I convince him it is a power tool so that he will want to use it?

    • My Year of Fabulous says:

      Wow. I had no idea there was such a thing as an outdoor vacuum. I didn’t want to ask the vet this question because I didn’t want him to talk to me like I’m stupid again! Maybe put racing stripes and a place to hold a beer on the indoor vacuum. That might work. Also, make the indoor vacuum really loud. Men seem to like loud power tools. At least my husband does.

  • Mary Beth says:

    Your outfit is seriously cute! And I didn’t know that about 7-11! Except that I don’t think we have 7-11 in the ATL. :( And it’s July 12 now, anyway.

    Your love for Hogan must be very deep and abiding and loyal, because I cannot imagine any other reason you would put up with that vet. What a douche. (Sorry for the language.) But an outdoor vacuum? What a thing to say. He probably thinks he’s hilarious.

    Is your pig willing to stand still and have his eyes wiped? You could get a package of eyewipes from your local pet supply store, and it might help. But you’re going to have to bribe/reward your pig. What’s his favorite special treat?

    • My Year of Fabulous says:

      The vet is a total douche. Hogan just might stand having his eyes wiped. I’ll try it. If there’s food involved, sometimes he sits still. Thanks for the suggestion.

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