Recently in our newspaper there have been all these articles about the FDA shutting down a horribly run local slaughterhouse. Apparently, the demonic owners of this slaughterhouse were killing cows with cancer and then selling their tumor-ridden meat to stores all across America. Yum!
“Mommy, why is my hamburger extra lumpy today?”
“Oh, I don’t know, dear. They must be doing something special over at Rancho slaughterhouse.”
I was talking to my friend about the Rancho slaughterhouse when she said, “You want to hear something worse?” (Always a good way to start a sentence in my opinion) I, of course, answered, “Absolutely!” I mean, really, what could be worse than eating cow tumors?
She said, “Eating pig buttholes.”
Okay, that does sound worse. Tell me more.
My friend recalled a story she heard on NPR about how restaurants were substituting deep fried squid with deep fried pig buttholes and still calling it calamari. Here’s a quote from the story –
In restaurants everywhere, right this second, people are squeezing lemon wedges over crispy, golden, rings, dipping the rings into marinara sauce, and they’re eating hog rectum. Now they’re chewing — satisfied and deeply clueless. It’s payback for our blissful ignorance about where our food comes from and how it gets to us.
I thought about all the times I’ve eaten calamari, pleased with myself at my ability to try new and exotic foods.
I thought about the times in my twenties that I would be out to dinner with friends and I would put the calamari on my finger as if it was a large diamond ring much to the delight of my companions (who were obviously drunk because putting calamari on your finger isn’t really that funny.) I even thought about the times I would down an entire calamari appetizer myself and wondered how many pig buttholes I had actually consumed. I pictured the pig buttholes bumping into each other in my stomach and laughing, calling me a fool. (In this scenario my stomach is an animated cartoon and the pig buttholes function like mouths giving them the ability to make jokes and express their hopes and dreams.)
Then I did a little bit more research and found out the whole calamari/pig butthole story might just be an urban legend – even the NPR piece provided no significant proof.
Which is good news for pigs, bad news for squid. I mean, really, should we be snatching these supremely cool creatures out of the ocean, killing and deep frying them just so we can harden our arteries at Applebees? That just doesn’t seem right. And for the record – I don’t think we should eat pigs either.
I have a pig and I know first hand that they are beautiful, sensitive, highly intelligent animals. People are always talking about how smart dogs are. Well, our pig can open our refrigerator. Can our dogs do that? No. The only thing our dogs can do is watch our pig open the refrigerator wagging their tails at the thought of possibly scoring some cheese — but that’s the extent of their participation.
I must say though, I was a little disappointed to find out this calamari story might not be true after all. It robs of the chance of ever saying to my kids, “Don’t talk with your mouth full of butthole.”
I’ve said butthole almost ten times in this post. I’ve never been more proud.