Hey Mamas, it’s time to dig out that suit from the bottom of your drawer and show off what years of pregnancy and Nutella have tried to destroy.
Oh, yes, it’s the parade of summer mom bodies. So sunscreen those cankles! Air out that muffin top! Clear-cut the crotch forrest! And maybe try to squeeze in a spinning class before heading to the pool, beach, river, lake or backyard sprinkler because you will be judged, oh yes, you will be judged… By other women, by your very own children, but mostly by yourself.
Mom Swimsuit Bodies – The Types
1. The Disappearing Act – Where’d this mom go? First she was arranging her towel on a lounge chair and now she’s suddenly neck deep in the pool. What her body actually looks like we’ll never know because this mom has perfected the art of moving from body of water to cover-up without anyone ever laying eyes on her dangly parts.
2. The Sausage Casing – Wait, is this mom wearing a scuba suit in the water? I guess she’s had one too many questionable moles removed so she’s not taking any chances with the sun. Hat, nose coat, head-to-toe SPF long-sleeved bathing suit, gloves and shoes. If it gets too sunny, she’ll add an umbrella. This mom spends most of her time enjoying the outdoors by spraying sunscreen in her children’s eyes.
3. Her Cups Runneth Over – This mom either hasn’t had the time to buy a new swimsuit or maybe she just doesn’t want to admit that she needs a new swimsuit, but either way, someone should organize a swimsuit intervention. Things are spilling out of the top and bottom of every part of this suit – one false move and the string on her bikini is going to break free and bitch slap one of her kids. Being nude might be a better option for this mom.
4. Margaritaville – This mom deals with how uncomfortable she is in a bathing suit by drinking huge amounts of alcohol. By the end of the pool party, she’ll be showing off her c-section scar, telling episiotomy stories and playing ping-pong with one of her breasts. The next day, she’ll have a regretful hang over and lots of embarrassing “I’m really proud of my post-baby body” instagram photos.
5. The Wooly Mammoth – Scheduling a wax was definitely on this mom’s to-do list, but somehow she just couldn’t quite make it to the salon. So instead, she tried to shave her god-forsaken jungle bush she’s ignored all winter, but after clogging six razors she gave up and now sports a terrifying “can’t look at but can’t look away” part hairy/part angry red bump crotch zone.
6. The Private Dancer — Look, I know that wearing heels does elongate your legs, but you’re in a bikini! This mom looks like a stripper who lost her pole. It doesn’t matter if you’re so short you could have your own show on TLC, please take off the stilettos. You’ve already popped four pool floats, crushed several children’s toes and fallen into the grill twice.
7. Shake and Bake – This mom’s motto is “If you can’t tone it, tan it”. She fights the flab by releasing all her pasty white body parts to the sun on the first day of summer and torching them. So instead of looking at this mom and thinking she needs to exercise, you look at her and think she needs some serious medical attention.
8. The I still got it — The public pool is proving grounds for this mom. Who had kids? Not her! First to take off the cover up, last to put it on. She wants eyes on those Pilates thighs, people. Sure, her children might be drowning in the pool while she prowls around garnering compliments, but she didn’t spent four hours at the gym every day for nothing. This is her moment of glory and she’s going to enjoy it – and do her best to rub your tired mom face into at the same time.
9. The I only think I still got it — The “I still got it” is annoying because well, she still has it. You look at her and suddenly feel like a big pile of goo sitting on a beach towel. But the “I only think I still got it” is a perfect cocktail of delusion and self-confidence. Sure, technically maybe she shouldn’t be in a Brazilian bikini, but this mom doesn’t really concern herself with shoulds and shouldn’ts. She saw a really cute suit, she thought she’d look awesome in it and now she’s wearing it. And you know what? She does look awesome in it! She’s the most inspiring person around and makes you realize that you need to rethink your feelings about your own body.
So moms, what do you say we all go out this summer and act like the “I only think I still got it”? Let’s shake what our mamas gave us for a change and turn off that horrible tape in our brains for once.
Because you know what? We all do still have it.
See you at the pool.