Mommy, which garbage can should I put this bottle in?
“The blue one is for recycling, which means your bottle is going to made into something else.”
At least that’s what they say. Who knows really? That bottle’s probably going to end up in the great Pacific garbage dump with all the other ten billion tons of bottles, diapers, cans of Schlitz and condoms.
Does buying recycled paper towels really help the Earth?
“Absolutely, because it means fewer trees are being cut down.”
Actually, I really have no idea if it helps at all. I’m pretty sure we’re just wiping our mouths with someone’s old toilet paper.
Mom, I don’t like my dinner.
“Just try a few bites. You might change your mind.”
You don’t like THIS food? Wait until you try the mutant cockroaches you’ll be eating when you’re my age.
Mommy, can I go play in the rain outside?
“Sure, have fun!”
But that’s not rain. It’s Mother Nature urinating on us for what we’ve done.
Mommy, it’s so hot today.
“Well, it’s supposed to be hot. That’s what summertime is all about.”
But not this hot. This amount of heat terrifies me. Good God, how hot is it going to be in ten years? There’s going to be cows melting on the sidewalk. Streets are going to cave in. Old people are going to explode.
Are polar bears going to be around when I’m a grown up?
… not. But there will be new fun species of animals like the Giant-Mega-Peli-Rat. The heat of the planet will cause pelicans and huge rats to start mating and they will fly around the air stealing people’s eyes out of their heads. The good news is that it will become a popular televised sport.
How many people are in the world today? Like a thousand?
“A little bit more than a thousand….”
Like seven billion… and counting. We’re reproducing at more than twice the rate we’re dying. You see how crowded Forever 21 is now? That’s only going to get worse. Which reminds me, we should go there now to stockpile our bunker with some more cute tank tops and harem pants.
If you think the world is overpopulated, why did you have three kids?
“Because it’s important to have a lot of children that will become stewards of the Earth.”
And because Daddy convinced me to have a fourth Mai Tai on our last trip to Hawaii.
Can the Earth be saved?
With all my heart, I hope so.