I’m back! I took a much longer blog break than I thought I was going to take… like months longer. For a while after I stopped blogging, I really felt like I would probably have nothing to say ever again, so I might as well stop. But then I thought about all the posts I’ve written over the last couple of years and realized that I’ve never had anything to say and that never stopped me before…
….So here I am again!
I’m going to start off the new year with a sheep story.
Last year, Emerson joined 4-H, which is a club that teaches children how to raise and slaughter animals for profit (I kid the 4-h-ers!) However, here at Riot Ranch, we do not slaughter animals. On the contrary, we try to find as many dysfunctional animals as we can and let them roam freely on our property, killing all our plants, ripping the screens off our house and spraying fecal matter where ever they please. So when it came time for Emerson to sell her two lambs, Chip and Pip, we decided to add them to our menagerie.
HOWEVER, over the summer, our neighbor’s dog killed Pip and I won’t dwell on this part of the story because it’s not amusing in any way and we’re all still recovering from the horrors of that event. We replaced Pip with another sheep because Chip was so heartbroken and sad to be alone. Emerson named the new sheep “Miss Fluff” and we all love her so much it hurts.
This is where my sheep story begins —
On New Years Eve day, I noticed that Miss Fluff didn’t feel well. Normally, if one of my kids or animals seems a little under the weather, I just let them rest and give it a little time. Usually, they are right as rain again the next day. But since we already had a sheep death on our hands, when Miss Fluff didn’t want her breakfast, I went into a full blown panic. All I could think of was, I cannot let another sheep die. Poor Emmy! Poor Chip! So I called the vet and they suggested I bring Miss Fluff in for a check up.
Here were some of the problems with that suggestion –
1. How was I going to get Miss Fluff into my car?
2. How was I going to catch Miss Fluff? She runs about a hundred miles an hour and leaps over bushes and hay bales.
3. Miss Fluff has never let me pick her up. Would she freak out and try to kill me? Would she bite me? Do sheep bite?
4. How heavy is Miss Fluff? Will my intestines fall out when I try and pick her up?
Bill was at work, which left me with 3 kids to accomplish this task. We cornered Miss Fluff near the house and then I took a deep breath and thought, “I am going to grab onto her and whatever happens, I’m not letting go.” (This is also my life philosophy.) I’m not quite sure what happened in the moments after that, but I’m pretty sure I was riding Miss Fluff for several feet before she butted me in the face and I collapsed on top of her. My children were laughing, so I know I must have looked really cool.
I picked up Miss Fluff and this is when I discovered that she weighs about four thousand pounds. Here’s me carrying her to the car —
Dogs are always so helpful in a crisis, aren’t they? Growling and barking and getting in your face…
Also, I know that I did a whole year on fashion, so why am I wearing BROWN CORDUROY PANTS with a GREEN FLEECE JACKET and RED PLAID SHOES? I have no answer for that.
We successfully took Miss Fluff to the doctor and she was totally fine. So yeah, I’m glad I panicked. The doctor filled her up with fluids and sent us on our way. On the way home, we were all hungry and decided to go through the Amy’s drive-thru with Miss Fluff. (Amy’s is the most awesome fast food restaurant on Earth — all vegetarian!) The Amy’s employees thought it was hilarious that we had a sheep in our car and photos were taken and it was super fun.
Then, as I was just about to bite into my delicious veggie burger, I heard an incredible amount of LIQUID splashing onto the seats of our car. At first I thought one of the kids had spilled their drink, but there was no way — this was like a dam exploding. Or more accurately, a sheep exploding.
I’ve never seen an animal pee so much. It went on and on for minutes. Our car is totally trashed. How much fluids did the doctor fill this sheep with? He had taken Miss Fluff and turned her into a sheep water balloon.
Buck started gagging, August started screaming and Emerson started laughing.
And I started eating…
Why? Because I’m a mom and I’ve seen so much worse. After 3 kids I can shrug off sheep pee, no problem…
And nothing, I repeat, nothing, is going to stop me from a yummy meal I didn’t have to make.