How to fix the Supreme Court

When we started this crazy country a bunch of years ago, (I have no idea how long because I’m bad at American History) the dudes that wrote the constitution intended it to be a malleable document — meaning, if something doesn’t work along the way, they wanted future Americans to fix it, or in constitution speak, amend it.

So I’m taking these guys at their word and proposing an amendment —

The President and Congress are no longer allowed to pick who sits on the Supreme Court.

It ain’t working.  I mean, seriously, what we’re watching now is ridiculous.  All we have is a bunch of immature elected officials picking for their own team and fighting like babies.  But a judge is supposed to be, oh, what’s the word…. impartial!  We seem to have forgotten that.  So we just pick judges based on their personal views?  I’m sorry, is this the Supreme Court or Project Runway?

We have to do to our government what I do to my children — take away their privileges because they are not mature enough to handle them.  “I’m sorry, Congress, you’ve lost your Supreme Court privileges.  Now go sit on the statue of Lincoln and think about what you’ve done.”

But if the President and Congress don’t pick the Supreme Court, who will?  I’m glad you asked.

Okay, first we need to put in place a reward system for up and coming judges that is based on being impartial and non-political.  Judges that interpret the law honesty and without personal or political views get awarded trips to Disneyland as well as having dinner with the celebrity of their choice.  This would give the public a chance to get to know the judges on a more intimate and fun level.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Clarence Thomas ride the Matterhorn?


And who would Ruth Bader Ginsburg want to have dinner with?  Has she always wanted to meet Meryl Streep?  Is she secretly crushing on Harrison Ford?  Or maybe she’d go Mrs. Robinson on us and pick Justin Bieber.  It’s anyone’s guess.

Once we have five really awesome non-political Supreme Court candidates selected, we stuff each of their names into a bamboo shoot and let a baby panda pick.


The event would be televised.  The ratings would be huge and America would get a judge that would not push the republican agenda or the democrat agenda, but the peoples agenda.  What a concept.

I think the founding father’s would approve.  I know Ben Franklin would.  He said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  He’d totally kick back with a cold one and watch a baby panda improve our justice system.

Next up, I fix the judge’s robes — why shapeless black?  I’m thinking a nice formfitting jumpsuit…

Comments? Fire away.